When things don't go to plan ...

It started in Christmas Eve.. approximately 11.25pm just as we were getting ready to start midnight mass. We noticed that someone had suddenly collapsed on the path near the main road and church ... it was freezing cold and as I've some first aid training ( thanks to the air cadets!) myself and a couple of others headed out ( me in full on alb) . To cut a long story short we needed an ambulance and so after necessary checks put the casualty into the recovery position and waited .
By the time I arrived back in church I had a minute to spare before I was due to preach and no word of a lie my first line was let me tell you a story about one night at 11.30pm ...when things didn't go to plan .... what I proceeded to do was to pray for our injured person and their subsequent trip to an over stretched A and E
And so I Continues by talking about how much time and effort we put into Christmas trying to make it perfect ... and then low and behold 40 hours later all our plans were haltered as marc got the flu!

As frustrating as it has been , as hard work as it has been as exhausted as I feel the time has helped me focus on the true meaning of Christmas... things for Mary didn't go to plan yet still 2000 years Go a perfect baby was born the saviour of the world for you and for me in my imperfect, grumpy tired state !
It has also been lovely spending quality time with the boys enjoying the toys and games and educating them in Christmas films from decades ago!

As we sit on the cusp of a new year I know so many approach it waiting for results operations opportunities for work ... pitter parter of tiny feet , weddings ... whatever happens in the good and in the difficult May that baby born in unusual circumstances all those years ago bring you peace hope and love in 2019

The best gift

The eagle eyed of you will be aware I've not blogged for a while ... tbh I've had a bit of writers block. I've had friends and family going through some tough times especially health wise and so everything else has felt less important.

But tonight as I'm sat here desperately hoping the kids will sleep so I can finish prep for the next 4 services I've felt compelled to write.
The next few days will be chaos of work, wrapping paper tinsel wine ( I hope!) good food ( I hope!) and precious family time but today again the whole point of the celebration s comes head first at me.
God loves the world so much he sent his son ,. The best most surprising gift anyone could ever want ( find out more about the surprises tomorrow 12pm at Upnor church!!!!)
Why? Because the world is broken ... today I see my favourite place in the world in TV broken, this week I've seen families in poverty broken , this month I've seen friends and families bodies (and my own) brokenand bow especially our country feels broken.

But God still loves us ... Jesus is still the best gift ever ... unfortunately the world hasn't really opened that gift and allowed him to reach his full potential ..

This Christmas have an amazing celebration .... and I hope to catch as many of you as possible in 2019 😘

The rough with the smooth

it has been a REALLY hard week....last week started off really good being away (with dad so precious daddy daughter time) with the air cadet chaplains...it was an intense course with long dryas but a great chance to meet others across the country , experience things military style, and join in with the house patterns of prayer several items a day so almost at times felt like a mini retreat.

Coming to the end of that there proceeded to be a catalogue of sadness with illness , and things just going pear shaped for people I care about.
One of the things I've been aware of those week though is how shockingly BAD our care system is for those in need. I contacted over 12 homeless charities this week to find help for someone and there was only one that could help ....in 3 weeks time. It seems to be the case that if you're young, single, not an addict and a person of good reputation you'll be ok on the streets for a bit and of something comes up then they'll help you but in the mean time youre not a priority!
That's generalising of course but it angers me that there really is no help for people when they are most vulnerable.
At the moment this story after 3 days of stress, anxiety and searching has a "happy" ending in that I did find somewhere and thanks to some real life Good Samaritans putting deposits together and pushing protocol through quickly this person now has a roof over their head but how many other vulnerable young people are there out there?

God is Good!

This job is just amazingly extreme....I've gone from standing in a freezing cold play ground keeping vigil for parents and children after the sudden death of a teacher to being commissioned and anointed by the actual Archbishop of Canterbury this evening !!!
today in a meeting , my line manager asked what parts of my role do I enjoy....and genuinely I said all of it! Yes it's exhausting , all encompassing, frustrating at times but I genuinely love it...because I love being with people , normal every day people. 
I know I'm blessed (before I get shot down ) that I have no building , PCC committee , accounts to balance..and at times the lack of a meeting space, the total lack of a budget and no lack of a support/ responsibility board is frustrating  but the freedom of being able to engage in people's lives at the happiest and saddest and all the times in between and drink lots of tea and coffee and count it as work  is truly wonderful ! 

The last few weeks have felt a bit uncertain for many reasons but being anointed by the arch bishop was a real turning point for me and what better blessing than to have my mum and dad sat there to see it ! ...God is good!!!

craving "normality"?

2 posts so close together ....therapy!
Marc and I caught up on an interview John Bishop did with Paddy McGuinness a while back....as well as talking about his life growing up in Bolton ( obvs I could relate to that ) he spoke about life with his 3 autistic children. One thing he said that really made the penny drop, left me with a light bulb moment , was craving the normal....seeing friend s doing normal things, taking their kids out for normal fun days out with ease and it being normal and fun!

Social media is a nightmare for this as you see people getting up to alsorts of awesome things at the weekends and during holidays and some days I just think....If only we could do that!
You see I've realised why I get so tired easily....every time we go out somewhere or especially to an event. E it work related, or socially I'm on edge, constantly wondering , how will the kids cope in this situation, what could be the triggers and how long can we stay before it gets too much .
This weekend has been exceptionally busy for Marc and I and a s aresult the kids, so today we had a "lazy" morning..I longed to go out and do something especially with Elijah as knew Dan needed his cave but not being able to drive or really walk far we stayed home and sorted toys and watched Postman Pat.
It has taken me many years to recognise that Dan and Marc need these lazy spaces, a chances to download , go into themselves and rest...I feel terrible that it's taken so long and I am still finding it hard but the result in being able to spend a few hours at a dear friends leaving party makes it worth while.
Whatever Sunday holds for you enjoy every moment ,
And  appreciate "the normal"

Belonging

It has been a strange old year...they say these things are sent to try us and they  certainly have and the last few weeks have really escalated !

However within this there have been real moments of blessing, Ive been to 5 Harvest assemblies, each different and each showing the huge gift of wanting to help those in need but also making me  feel like I belong there.

we've had our "fresh expression" groups meeting over breakfast and picnics and in those moments of sharing food I've felt like I'm in a place where I belong .

Ive spent two days on a training course, one that was engaging, was practical and made me think of so many situations in work and home where I could implement the teaching. Not only that but met some amazing council youth workers who wanted to connect and find ways of how we could work together...refreshing! In just 2 days I felt like I belong.

And yet theres the polar opposite, the times and places where you'd expect to belong, expect to feel welcome, expect to feel a part of something bigger...yet despite being in a group I feel so isolated and at times lonely.

It has really had me thinking...how many other people feel like this that we engage with, speak to, visit every single day? In this busy, crazy world that we live in we are so busy, so absorbed in the next thing that needs to be completed we miss what's going on around us...we miss living in the now!

So I'm trying to slow down a little, to appreciate the morning mist, the evening sun set, the new insights the kids suddenly come out with just at the moment I need to be elsewhere , I'm going to really stop and listen to the person at the school gate, in the supermarket queue, in Starbucks when waiting for my decaf soya latte!

And next time I rush past ( once off crutches!!!) or don't have time to answer that phone call or make space to pop over and see you...pull me up on it!!

Mrs Bump

well it was only a matter of time ... everyone who knows me has been expecting it and to be fair it has been an impressively long time since I last injured myself ; However having only had a visit from the paramedics 4 months ago it feels a little too soon to have had another visit from them last night !

After building up my self confidence for a second time to try and brave playing netball the last few weeks have been going pretty well, not only have we been playing relatively well but I've also been enjoying the game , getting to know our team better and feeling the benefits of getting regular excercise again (alongside park running too!)

Now all that has gone down the pan ! Nikki (team member ) and I both ended up fallen  over very badly and we ended up sat in A and E with matching injuries on opposite legs !! We were a real sight and caused a stir as to what kind of game we'd been involved in ! The upshot is I've managed to badly tear the ligaments on both sides of my foot . My foot is about 3 times the normal size and a beautiful shade of black and blue ... I tried to take photos but the colours haven't shown up . I'm now really frustrated .. I can't weight bare for the moment And I can't drive .. I'm  totally useless
But, yet again I've been blown away by where the kind thoughts and messages have come from .. dear family of course cos they rock ...and special  friends (you know who you are) little messages of support have really got me through today , visits have been lovely and the bottle of home made blackberry gin will definitely help the healing process !

Reflecting as I can't do much else has made me realise I'm getting old , I still don't bounce when I fall  and I'm rubbish at sitting still!
I expect my netball days are over ... last night I saw a very dark side to the game which I'm
Not sure I can be part of but I'm out of excercise until after Christmas so will review then .
For now it's excercising the 2 toes I can wiggle !!!

Ps if anyone has any film recommendations please send them my way!

September

Anyone who knows me even a little will know that I'm a "wear's her heart on her sleeve " kinda girl.....I just can't help it...I'd be rubbish at poker as I can't hide my emotions or feelings and it's got me into all sorts of situations. I also find it difficult to keep quiet about things I'm passionate about , whether it's my love for Jason Donovan, Tottenham Hotspur, Jesus or red wine , when I feel there's an injustice in the world, people have been treated wrongly or things need to change ...I will say!
I don't write statuses, tweets or blogs to get sympathy but because I need an outlet to stop me going internal,y crazy...

This blog is one of those....I never ever intend to offend but  will wear my heart on my sleeve....

I hate September.....many people say it's a throw back to back to school itus...but I loved school ( apart from 16-18) I just love summer and the freedom of the holidays so much going back to routine, darker nights, early mornings etc fills me with dread . This year I was excited though, I had a week of transition at a school to look forward to, a new group to meet together again and other things in the pipeline I'm involved in.....unfortunately they've come crashing down and at least 3 months of hard work feel gone to waste. I hate letting people down and tough it's not my choice this work won't happen the kids I'd been prepping will be expecting us in school and for them I'm gutted!

Last weekend we were in a field with 20,000 other spiritual explorers at the Greenbelt Festival...... we witnessed Pussy Riot, Simon Mayo, Martyn Joseph, Duke Special and the amazing Vicky Beeching.  What these amazing folk made me realise is again, how important it is to stand up for what you believe in, to make your voice heard above the noise of life, to follow your dreams and to be proud of who you are.
Yes life at the moment is immensely frustrating and I'm not sure where it's taking us but these last few weeks I've discovered true friendship , amazing family and a passion to help those who feel
voiceless in our communities......

Holidays

its been a strange few weeks preparing and getting ready for tomorrow and the weeks that follow.....the school summer holidays ! Dan yet again has been blessed with a wonderful teacher but this year he seems to have especially bonded with his teacher and she has been so supportive to us, and of course we've had weeks of anxiety as he worries about what September holds.
And tomorrow Elijah too says good bye to Hoo Saints..the place Dan also went to pre school as he embarks on a new adventure starting Nursery at Daniel's school making life practically much easier for us!!
This week as well as finishing the transition lessons I've also been privileged to attend some leavers assemblies....and the commonality in the, have been the importance of change.....if things don't change we get stuck in a rut, we don't grow or develop in any way and we deprive ourselves of further adventures. I remember adamantly aged 16 refusing to believe I had to leave my secondary school I loved it so much but of course I did and in fact moved half way acrosss the country too!!!

Tonight I face the challenge of changing netball teams....meeting new people and starting  again.....at 41 I still feel nervous...but at least I can share that with Dan that even us grown ups struggle with change .......

The holidays are always a challenge finding things to occupy the children whilst juggling work as well, visiting friends and family whilst trying to keep some sense of rest....holidays were created for us to recharge our batteries to experience a change in routine and to expose new surroundings.
It's even Biblical..God created the 7th day for rest!

So whether we are facing a change in routine as we become surrounded by little people for 6 weeks, whether we are facing change in place as we enjoy a break in the norm and holiday or wether life is plodding on... find those changes to allow rest.

Changes challenges and choices

it has been a funny old week that has left me feeling somewhat discombobulated!!
It's been a week of thinking about change going into schools talking to year 6 children about transitioning to year 7 thinking about changes, challenges and choices..... I've absolutely loved being back in the classroom and so far the response has been fantastic though having kids in one class take the mick out of my accent wasn't much fun!!
Change is all around us whether it's a change in school, job or circumstance....just last night we taught our final mission shaped ministry session....a ten year journey come to an end ..... happy to regain some space back in my diary but sad to say goodbye to working with s fab team and an awesome teaching companion and also to share the buzz of pioneering and mission with others ....last night was also a challenge as I found myself sharing a rather personal story from my childhood which my mum (who also taught the course) also continued filling in blanks I didn't remember .....a very powerful experience challenging me to contemplate where life has taken me thus far....
It hasn't also been a difficult week for me choices have been made out of my control and that can be difficult to deal with , at times I've felt 16 again not 41 and realise there's a lot of emotions and feelings I still carry around from those teenage angst days.
What this week has shown me is that I have some very dear friends....I may not see them or even speak to them every day (some I do and that's an added blessing) but when the chips are down they are there to send a message or call round to check I'm ok....
It's really important to have people around you people you can be open and honest with, people who challenge you and check up on you... I'm a very heart on my sleeve kinda girl (I never used to be!!!) what you see is what you get and for those who still love me after that.....I'm grateful !
I've been telling the year 6s the importance of choosing friends and keeping in touch with them.....I'm practising what I preach !

Silence is golden or a sign of something deeper?

so I'm painfully aware that I haven't blogged since my pneumonia....not that anyone has missed it but I've missed writing and that's the main thing I guess.
Silence in itself can be precious but it can also be a sign that things are not great.
The last 6 weeks have been rather busy ....positively we've had a house full of guests with the in laws visiting from Goa and also brining with them Vinny our very own Indian Chef, a great few weeks econnectiing with Marc s parents And spending some quality time together .
It's also been a busy time work wise (when is it not!!) but positively we've just enjoyed an awesome inter schools music concert which I had the pleasure of M.Cing on Thursday.....Daniel was in the choir and Marc has also been supporting the choir so lots of family involvement but seeing a church full (300 people!) and 3 different schools coming together was just a delight. It's amazing what can be achieved when we work with others rather against or in competition!

It's also been a busy time trying to help support my beautiful, creative, music loving, science adoring geeky son with his various conditions..... it's a subject where I don't want to embarrass him but also want other families and parents to know that they are not alone....when life isn't particularly difficult it can feel like every one else has life all sewn up, that life is perfect and fun filled..but shined closed does we are all dealing with our own difficulties.
Trying to nail a specific diagnosis (well several diagnoses) has been tricky but we are getting there .....slowly ...trying to cope alone is tough sharing with others, just off loading is literally a God send .

If life is throwing you lemons...chop them up into manageable slices....share the, around and let's help each other make lemonade....

Pneumonia

Tonight marks exactly 2 weeks since my eventful trip ...chauffeur driven with accompanying flashing lights all the way to Medway Hospital.
For the last 2 weeks I've wanted to say something and I guess little bits have leaked out in statuses here and there but I've not managed to formulate the words needed to express what's really been going on for me.
I'm a rubbish patient , I'm rubbish at being still and I'm rubbish at resting yet I found myself having to do these things for survivial.
When the lovely paramedics came to take me away I have to say hard tough northern Sue was nowhere to be seen, I admit I was absolutely terrified . Although suggested reasons for being so poorly were explained the sheer mention of the words sepsis sent me into shock for reasons many close friends and family will know. Being in resus alone gives you time to think and reflect and pray and my goodness did I pray I was so scared.
Having pneumonia isn't a new thing for me it's the thing that destroyed our Indonesian dream, I was so very poorly that the thought of going through that again was hard to take. 2 weeks in and I feel so much better than I did that first time though I know at least Marc is anxious I don't rush into doing too much for fear of not making a full recovery.
Being ill has been a real eye opener , being on the receiving end of people visiting me rather than the other way round, and I've been pleasantly surprised by how many people from my different t walks of life who've been in touch to check up on me.....especially those teachers from Daniels school and my cousin driving near on 300 miles for 24 hours to make sure I wasn't alone when Marc needed to work!
It's amazing where support comes from in times of crisis and I so appreciate the support I've been given and I hope those who have done that know how grateful I am.
It's been a tough few weeks and I'm sure the next few will be a bit of a struggle as I find my feet, my threshold of energy and my working pattern again but all I can say is I'm just grateful to be alive and especially to those paramedics who will probably never see this that talked me through everything and came back to check on me several times in the night between jobs.

Highs and lows

its been a strange old few weeks...from having shingles and not really seeing anyone for 5 days (apart from the wonderful Rose who entertained the kids for an afternoon) to having to cram so much preparation , services, egg buying, services, ironing, services, sorting kids out, services I'm fleeing physical exhausted yet mentally wide awake.
This Holy Week into Easter has been very different for me....I've spent it at St Nicks which is a much higher traditioned church than I'm use can to so each service had new experiences for me to encounter but also a lot of things to learn and remember ....on top of that we also had to evenings of "interesting" visitors that involved me dealing with some very pastorally sensitive situations ...again a blessing  to be a part of terrifying at times and energy zapping. And then today ..my most favourite ever day too elebrate and what Happens...... Marc is ill ....too ill to look after the kids an hour of stress working out what to do and an angel in Rose come see to take them to her church where she's leading the youth work but swaps to children's to have my boys.....amazing and thankfully the Monty's invited us to go over for the afternoon for lunch !!!
Having given up sweets and chocolate it's been much needed today to get through though I did forget to buy myself an egg but very grateful to my sis for obliging ....I am however tempted to pop to hotel chocolate tomorrow on the first chance of a sale....

So amidst the lows of good Friday and the highs of resurrection joy tonight I'm feeling thoroughly exhausted.....totally overwhelmed and to be honest a wee bit lonely ... may be this is how the disciples and apostles felt that first Easter Sunday.... having gone through the trials and tribulations of Jesus' death th e the shock and surprise of his ressurection and then the panic of what would happen next that first ight im sure they too felt a bit discombobulated!
But the truth is Jesus rose , God is good and tomorrow is another day!!!! Happy Easter one and all xxx

Goodbyes

ive never been good at saying goodbye..it seems so final and to be honest I just don't like things to end.
Today I had to say goodbye to a friend....another from Hoo that's 2 in 6 months and I have to tell you it's tough! People come in to your life and for no other reason than they are genuinely lovely nice people...Ray was one of those guys...always thinking of others, trying to sort things out for the common good .
When Ray came to me 2 years ago asking if I'd do his funeral when the time came I didn't know whether to laugh it off and say that s a long way off yet... or graciously accept that this was something we needed to talk about....we did the latter !!! All Ray wanted was for today to be helpful to his wife Babs....we wasn't too worried about music...no hymns though but wanted to make sure we looked after Babs and it helped her most....I'm praying that was achieved is afternoon!
It's always so hard doing a friends funeral and seeing people you know so sad...but it's also a comfort having them there as a support ..offering a hug or two afterwards.....for that I'm very grateful....without it not sure I would have been able to drive myself home ....
Saying goodbye seems so final, yet as a Christian I have the trust and faith that it's  not final, it's  not goodbye it's aurevoir for one day we will meet again
So Ray...aurevoir ..until we meet again x

Birthday boy

8 years ago almost to the moment I didn't feel quite as I should...something was happening (don't panic I won't go into  the details !)
After a very brief  panicked trip to the hospital we were back home until 10am the next day....most of those previous hours spent in the bath trying to keep calm.
Weirdly 8 years later I remember every little detail of Daniels journey into the world, I can't remember what I had for tea yesterday but that is vivid in my mind !
When I think about time 8 years doesn't seem so long...I've been ordained 7 years and that's flown by yet in another breath it feels like Daniel has always been with us.....it's hard to remember life without children and I of course wouldn't want to ...despite the sleepless nights ...still!
Despite the challenges we have and will face Dan is turning into a very lovely and thoughtful young man...,today we had his party (beavers tomorrow!) and he was in total turmoil over who to invite as could only have 15 ..... there were reasons why he chose each person and heart ache when he realised he'd only chosen school friends ...given half a chance he'd invite every child he knows !
In another 8 years we will be heading towards Dan doing GCSEs or whatever the government has decided to test our kids with and that's a terrifying thought!

Time is valuable tomorrow I intend to enjoy every moment in the crazy business of the day....appreciate the day, appreciate the celebrations and appreciate the 8 years of my wonderful sons life !!!!

Eva's Call

My heart is heavy today...I've been feeling quite emotional for a few days and no I'm not hormonal (that was last week at "The Band"!)

There have been two very powerful articles published this week one via The Church Times on Twitter (the actual one hasn't arrived due to snow)about how pioneers by nature don't fit in but yet "we" are so desperately needed in the church  and. Another article based on a project by Ordinands (people training to be vicars) about the reaction and comments women have and still receive regarding their role especially as priests ....
Whether it's the combination of feeling at the moment out of place, that I don't "fit" anywhere flitting from place to place or whether the comments from Eva's call (https://artsrcc.wordpress.com/2018/03/02/evas-call/amp/?__twitter_impression=true)
It seems that  being a pioneer and a women means spending a lot of time justifying your existence and your calling and apologising....but why

I feel passionately about being a mum and a Priest i feel "called" to do those roles and I hope that I give both those roles 💯 % so why as a mother and a person called to work outside the walls of traditional church is it so hard for people to get.....
even now with women in the public eye like the amazing Kate Bottley, women at every level of the church and even women Bishops consecrated in the last couple of years we still receive comments; I can have a laugh and a joke with the best of them but sometimes it hurts ...
And as for pioneers will the church ever get us?. Probably not!

This is not meant to be a personal reflection though of course I have had and still do receive comments that I'm sure are not said to my male colleagues it's a reflection on the bigger wider picture.
The world, our country even is in a mess , loving one another, treating one another with respect is the least we can do to try and let's all just think before we speak ..how would we feel if someone said those words to us..if they heart us they sure as heck are going to hurt others .
This week of crazy snow weather has been fun for many but isolating for even more....let's try and be more else aware ....making sure those around us are doing ok...and next time you see me a hug wouldn't go amis 😉

TimeHop

There's an app on Facebook "Time Hop" that shows you what was happening this time last year, 5 years ago etc.... tonight there couldn't be more contradicting posts.... 9 years ago today I was trying to climb coconut trees in Goas  boiling hot sun, last year I was in hospital with Elijah after he suffered a febrile convulsion and scared the heck out of me and today , well today looks more like December I'm sat in front of a rela fire eating a mince pie ...we are in to the 4th day of snow....something we southerners here in Kent rarely see...the last in fact Daniel was just two some 6 years ago!

It has been an interesting few days...luckily I'd cleared some space in the diary to prepare for a conferences I was helping teach on this weekend (I'm not going to get there !) so had some flexibility in the days and could move the diary around a bit, do some Ahead prep and mainly spend some quality time that I'd missed at half term with the boys and my great friend Rosemary who by luck also had snow days from school!

The snow brought out the best and worst in the boys, the look of awe and wonder on their faces looking longingly at it through the window each day then the terror and tears when the cold bitterness hit their poor little bodies was extreme! They did develop a love for the sledge a very classy wooden one of Rosemary's mum s that she brought over and Dan took great delight in filming me as I fell off quite dramatically.

Change in plans and routine is something that is a struggle in our house but I've really appreciated this week (despite the annoyance in many ways) its given me time to be, to reflect, to have fun again to realise that yes you can enjoy life at 40 (for the sake of your kids of course !!!!) to take life at a slower pace, to appreciate what you have... a roof over our head, food -of sorts-to eat,  family and friends ....but also to truly appreciate the beauty of creation , looking out of the window each morning at the glistening White has just lightened everything . For many I know it's a cause of stress, isolation and despair but for me it's ignited a new sense of life .....keep safe guys x

Without walls

this week has been intense....work has been busy with the usual stuff but also 2 very different services to plan prep and deliver and Marc has been poorly too....yes I confess straight away I bailed out of cooking and the kids had McDonald's on Thursday , rubbish mum but it was that or go hungry such is the state of this week !
The stress of the week came to a head today as we had the services, I had the real joy of leading and speaking at a fourth Sunday contemporary service, a service that isn't communion so has less rules than usual, a chance to be creative whilst retaining the laws of the Church of England...a fab opportunity to experiment and do things differently.......but this takes time...time to think and reflect, time to ponder and time to write.....after a week of sleepless nights words went onto paper and a service came to be. It's a while since I've done a service in isolation of anyone...usually there's someone else to lead or speak so I did feel quite vulnerable , I tell a lie, for the first 15 minutes I had Elijah by my side...but after that just me myself and I and the amazing Anne who was my gopher with the microphone. We started the service with "be our guest" from beauty and the beast and went on from there !! I'm not saying the service was perfect or life changing but there were good comments afterwards and thought how great it is to be able to do my own thing in my style, so often I'm jumping into someone else's pattern. Where we are now though is on the cusp of developing something new. As a pioneer I have no building of my own but short the clergy in theirs but we are looking (we=me and Marc) at how we can develop something new without having A building....using our house, going outdoors, visiting cafes, pubs the cinema etc different ways of building community....it's an exciting, terrifying, anxious time ...we hope and pray that we can a place where people feel comfortable to come and go ...watch is space. The world has become very isolated and I feel it's vital that we get back that sense of community...looking out for and after each other, spending time with each other not just out of necessity or through work but do more socially together......anyone want to join us let us know 👍🏻

Wastelands and wilderness

This has been a crazy mixed up week!!!
The first part of the week was really busy as we prepared for the start of Lent....holding a Pancake party and then an Ashing experience at our drop in cafe.. all really lovely events with lots of food for thought .
Having worked half the week Wednesday night we hot the road and took refuge for a couple of days down at my folks in Deal.

Most of you know my boys are high energy and so thrive being outside ..... we spent a day walking up and down the prom visiting Walter Castle and generally enjoying the great out doors and enjoying tree climbing Andy den building as well as playing on the beach and in the arcades!
 the next we decided to jump on a train...purely because it's Elijah favourite thing in the world and visit Margate..originally because we had a thought that Marc and Dan may want to go to "Geek Fest" but as we approached the queues were massive and Daniel said it seemed too busy and scary so we carried on to the beach and to the turner Gallery.
I'm really interested in photography, art and sculpture t had seen an advert for "The Wasteland" and was intruiged..strangely enough so wasn't Dan (something to do with a certain head teacher mentioning the place I believe!!!)
The exhibition did not disappoint , the exhibits were fascinating , random, inspiring, intruiging and disturbing all in one; even Elijah was able to engage for a while and Daniel was just mesmerised !!!!

The thing that has stayed with me over the last few days since being home has been that Wasteland.... thinking too about the wilderness preparing  for today's sermon that Jesus encountered in himself preparation for his ministry ....are wastelands always a "waste" or do they have a part to play? Can they be useful in certain situations and can they in their "emptiness " be a haven of space and natural
beauty.
For Jesus he needed the wilderness, to engage in the Wasteland to get clarity, clear his head, to fully converse with God his father. Are there times when we need to find solice, look for the beauty in the
places others dismiss , retreat to find ourselves?....
The natural beauty around us, the beauty others can depict in art and sculpture has definitely been awe inspiring !

This week also saw me walk the wilderness journey with dear friends as after 54 years of marriage they were separated by the evil that is cancer... this part of the job is so so tough you wouldn't believe, yet so much of a blessing, you hear the stories of youth, the tales and the slightly cheeky things people got up to but mostly you get to sit with people as they think and reflect how they have been touched by another human being. To be in the wilderness , walking the Wasteland journey alone is an experience but to encounter life and journey it with others, I feel, is the ultimate blessing !

Therapy

Today was set to be a full on crazy day with a last minute meeting called this morning , a pancake play party this afternoon and teaching MSM at Bluewater tonight.

instantly the mood of the day slowed right down as I received a phone call early this morning to let me know a dear friend and gentleman I worked with in hoo on our residents association had passed away just minutes before . This happens a lot in my work but This passing knocked me for six. Not only do I class the couple as friends but I've walked this long painful journey of cancer  with them and had only thought yesterday he'd taken a positive turn ... oftern the way !!

But as with life you pick yourself up and keep going .. the hustle and bustle of children playing together and pancakes being eaten soon distracted me but the ultimate healer was the visit from my favourite 4 legged friend (and her owner!) Sometimes  pick me ups come from sources you don't even think of but today for the visit I'm immensely grateful!

So now I take a deep breath have another coffee and prepare for a long night in Bluewater.. grateful tonspecial friends and the gift of friendship !

Lights, camera.....

I've always been described as a shy extrovert.... I can be pretty quiet , I'd like to say reflective and can melt into the background, but, I absolutely love being with people (good job with my job!)
When I was younger I was given the great opportunity of being part of a drama group, we met each week and did various things , mainly panto. At the age of 10 I starred as the main part in amoer goose ....(Priscilla the goose!) no one else wanted the part ...I couldn't understand why ???? 🙈 I progressed through various parts and even got to play Sleeping Beauty (no one else available I'm sure!!)   I just loved being on the stage, the escapism into other worlds and lands, the lights the cameras the audience....to those who enabled me to have these experiences I'm so eternally grateful...but then as we moved and I went to a school where  a northern accent wasn't cool anymore and the only part I was offered was that of Bottom from a midsummers nights dream 😢 My days on the stage were over!!!
But yesterday I had the real privilege of helping chaperone the choir from Daniel's school, they were singing at the young voices concert in the O2. 7891 children in. Achoir in front of 20,000 adults!!! It was absolutely outstanding, the music, the singing the atmosphere was purely electric, the kids behave differently brilliantly, it was a long day and night, we are knackered today but my goodness it was truly wonderful ! I was so proud to play a small part in such a massive experience and hat an experience it was for those children .
And Dan.....he was so so good....he was a bit wobbly in places but grabbed my hand , took a deep breath and carried on..... proud doesn't come close !!!

Torture

They say sleep deprivation is the worst kind of torture and I've sure experienced that this week....poor Elijah has had a terrible cough/ virus that has made him grumpy , hot and cough most of the night. marc and I have shared the propping up on our shoulder, the 4 hourly drug run and the trying to keep everything else going during the day between us.
It's felt like a really tough few weeks, lot soft things, not just Elijah being ill but different circumstances have been an up hill struggle. And I know it's not just me struggling lots of people have had a difficult few weeks, the loss of loved ones ,  work dead lines, illness...lots and lots of illness.
And in these situations it's so easy to go down, to feel sorry for yourself and to sink, but this weekend I decided to do the opposite , to come up fighting , to grab life back by the horns, to spend time , even if I didn't have it, with friends and family , to book that extra treat, to plan that visit to check up on those friends in need.
In the difficult times look to the sky, for in the clouds there is often still a hint of light, a star shining in the darkness, a streak of sun trying to burst through...

Rollercoasters

Ive always loved Rollercoasters....the first time I experienced one I was 11 maybe 12 years old....I'd broken my arm on a school residential (a story for another day!) and it was Blackpool so it was raining ☔️
Our school used to do a sponsored event to raise money...(I think it was for a new roof I could be wrong)and the form that raised the most got a free day out to Blackpool pleasure beach. I'd never been on a rollercoaster before but decided to embrace the opportunity, it was free  after all and give everything a go!
Wrapped in a kagool and clinging on to my best mate we embarked on the Revolution. We screamed in stereotypical young teen manner and were equally terrified and exhilarated at the same time. I never will forget Lindsay breathing a sigh of relief as we got to the end only to realise the ride returned only backwards !!! The screams reached an all time high !!!!

Life feels like a rollercoaster at the moment ...there have been some real exhilarating highs of times with friends and family, moments of delight with the boys and real epiphany moments (timely for this period of time) in work.. and just when you think progress is being made bang a person, a comment, an event knocks you sideways ...I care too much about people so it hurts.

So many dear friends are also experiencing the dip of the Rollercoaster moment but the reassurance is that when it's in the lowest dip it always goes up again ...the key is to hold on to the knowledge that that will happen in time.

As one of my many favourite blonde boy band singers once sang "life is a rollercoaster you just got to ride it !" ....keep going