Time off

 When I put it into black And white and read it back it sounds and feels ridiculous but ….

I really struggle with being on my own and having time off ! I’m fine having time off organised by others to do something specific , I’m fine having torn off with the boys doing stuff with them , what I’ve struggled with is having a regular day off on my own ! 

This job isn’t your regular 9-5, Monday - Friday so time off often differs from others and apparently I’m a “shy extrovert!” People give me energy and make me feel alive so being alone is draining. 

Prior to this new year  being alone meant pretty much doing everything and so time off ends up meaning catching up with the mountain of housework ( vicarage’s are a blessing and a curse!) the even bigger mountain of washing and  other general maintenance jobs. This isn’t energising or life giving  .

So my resolution is to try and have some real time off to recharge and re-set . Today I’ve visited friends and read a book ( and done a little housework / food shop but you know Rome wasn’t built in a day!!!) 

I’m sharing this for two reasons ;

1) for people to keep me accountable

2) for inspiration of what can be done within the school hours that I may find life giving !

Watch this space !

Social media

What did we do before social media ? We would hear about peoples holidays from conversations or photos after the events, we would pick up the phone and check in with someone or we would live our lives complete oblivious to what was going on around us ! Sometimes I wonder if that was better for us 

Don’t get me wrong I love social media .. it helps me keep connected with people all over the country and the world and it’s a great comfort and support on dark lonely nights …but  I also hate the telephone with a passion so it gives  me an outlet to communicate without the telephone phobia !!!

But it is so hard sometimes , when life is difficult and not perfect seeing so many happy families , happy holidays trips and days out , people getting on with life that I took for granted  I’m happy for them but it does make me sad. 

This isn’t a sympathy blog but an “I get it “ blog ! 

If you see posts on social media and they make you feel sad , I get it , if you see photos of friends and feel lonely , I get it , if you read a post or see an opportunity missed I get it .. we never quite know what someone is coping with  but this life we are in is tough .. I get it ..  and if anyone feels sad, lonely, left out send me a message and we can be sad together , we can arrange a drink even if it’s on zoom , don’t suffer in silence because silence can be tough ! Thank you to all who have supported me this week and helped me juggle the next few days ! 

Friends

 Today I had the real privilege of being able to lead the celebration of life service for one of my closest friends Anne. This is what I said in my reflection :

I came to All Saints in September 2011 with a very lively 2 ½ year old and lots of crazy ideas of what I’d like to do and no confidence how to do them or even if I’d be able to try !!  I had a passion for special needs , inclusive church, reaching those outside of the church in creative ways and children and young families !!! 

In no time at all I met my soul mate , someone who got me and my crazy ideas , who could understand and engage my son (to become sons ) and who shared my absolute love for 80s music , dancing and gin!

Anne never liked to be in the line light or the centre of attention … unless it was on the dance floor !!! But the first time I met her we clicked and I knew we would be great friends .. something hard to find in this job!

 

I had the real Pleasure to work with Anne in lots of creative ways , Annr was a licensed evangelist trained by my own mum so I had met anne along with sue and del years before I even came here,  we went on , to be chaplains at Abbey Court together , to do the mission shaped ministry course together and to run Up4it .

Anne was also one of my key baby sitters , go to when I needed new strategies to try and understand the special Needs the boys had ,the arms to hug when I need a rant a moan .. ok a lot of moans and these last years a good cry … 

We shared wonderful weekends at the Greenbelt festival and our times in  the Jesus arms drinking pints and singing hymns and Christmas carols in august  will stay with me

Forever. As will drinking home made gin late into the night whilst discussing some of the fascinating theological thoughts and discussions we had heard through the day . Anne and Steve had all the gadgets though they assured me it was nothing compared to Gill abs simon heron at new wine !! 

And then there was the gin night crew .. sue J Jackie anne and I would meet every few months pre covid ( and on zoom during ) and for some strange reason it always seemed to fall on the Friday night before a church event .. a walk or litter pick the next day …. Anne swore she measures her gins carefully but I think she must have a different measured than me !!! 

All

Of these are special memories to treasure but what I will really miss is Annes loyalty , her dependability , her being there , knowing before I said anything just how I was feeling … sending cards just because … felt hearts in lockdown to remind us she cared … still now I go to text or call her for advice or to share soemthing and remember I can’t and that makes me sad .

In comparison to many of you I only knew anne for 11 years but what ab 11 years they were abs I feel truly honoured to have shared a little bit in her life .

 

People always ask me how I cope with funerals and I always say .. well you go into professional mode … I have to say today this is really tough !! We are all here because we loved anne and she touched our lives in some way … the only thing that’s getting me through is the knowledge that Anne has begun an amazing adventure she’s become that new creation just like the butterflies leaving the cocoon  into eternal life  flying on wings like eagles . Anne had such an immensely strong faith she knew God was with her even in the last few days when things were really tough .. she knew her maker was waiting for her and we have that hope too. In the tough times that keeps me going … and in the others sharing memories .. and the odd gin with others who loved her helps ! 

The fact so many are here today the life of Matthew and Carol helen and Robert are legacies that a bit of Anne will Live on .. she’d hate us to be sad .. but sorry Anne there will be tears … but we will try and dance in the rain just for you !

I ended with a video complied of families from Up4it signing a song which I didn’t notice at the time of filming Elijah went up to the screen and blew a kiss … it nearly broke me!

The service was full of images, music , her signing choir and colour lots of colour!

Tonight I’m beyond exhausted , I miss my friend but I’m sad too and reminded of all the funerals I couldn’t go to because of covid . Most significant my uncle Don’s whose anniversary is approaching, watching your family so upset on live stream is heart wrenching , then there’s Keith my spurs watching buddy , Audrey a beautiful lady from St Nichs, Charlie who was the lead singer in a band with Marc, to name just a few … today for all those with Anne I gave thanks .

I got through today thanks to wonderful friends and my amazing parents . after the service all I needed was a hug from my mummy and I’m so grateful she was there . 

Grief is a rollercoaster whether it’s weeks, months or even years since the person died we still remember, we laugh we cry ; but what I learnt today is the significance of being able to do that together in your own way …. For becoming a little bit more me, a little bit braver , a little more rebellious, I thank Anne ! Thank you dear friend for you care and friendship and for being the Tigger to my Pooh Bear !

Grief

 It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to write…. A REALLY. A Long time !!! There are so many words within me but for many reasons I’ve not been able to say them. But tonight I feel compelled to.

My heart is feeling immensely heavy … maybe even broken ! It has been such an emotional day probably world wide .. but today , this morning just as I was helping Elijah get dressed I received the worst phone call … a very very dear friend to me had died and despite her being in hospital 8 weeks and receiving the worst diagnosis a few days ago , I still wasn’t expecting her to die so soon , I wasn’t prepared or ready . Friends are hard to come by and she was such a special one who got me … one of my last messages to her was that she was the Tigger to my Winnie the Pooh . We led all age worship together, chaplained our Special school together, went to Greenbelt together and drank gin !!  She got me !! ( rate when you’re a priest !) 

And once I’d spoken to the family , made many pastoral calls to church friends I called my mum and lost it hysterically .. tears poured and my boys comforted me amidst there own sadness . 

We watched the Queen’s funeral with me some of our church who too were going through their own grief or loneliness and sitting in church just felt like the right place to be . Remembering my faithful Christian friend on the day of the Queen’s funeral seemed perfect .. both such faithful servants of Jesus ! 

Tonight I said  sorry to the boys for being upset and Dan said it was very healthy to show our sadness for soemone we loved .. that boy amazes me time and again … Elijah found his Marty church mouse puppet just like Anne used in all age and talked to him about his sadness ! 

We all grieve in different ways , death wether close or distant brings triggers and memories back … what I’ve learnt today is that it’s really important to be together when sad things happen, to share memories together and to leave each day as if it’s your last because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed ! Oh and that Great Britain puts on an amazing royal Occasion !

God bless you your Majesty , God bless you Anne my dear dear friend I shall miss you immensely !!! May you both rest in peace and rise in glory xx

Dealing with the interruptions

 This week I’ve been writing a sermon about how we deal with interruptions in our plans .. when life throws a curve ball , not necessarily the major life changing things but also the little nibbles that disrupt our flow of what we were doing ( to see how it fits in a sermon you’ll have to tune in to St Nicholas STROOD you tube channel on Sunday !!!)

Seriously though not even half an hour after writing and I had a coffee cancellation … yes it’s just coffee but it was with my bestie who I haven’t seen for a while an since was really looking forward to a chat to just be me .  The. Throughout the week various things have happened that have changed plans , car failing it’s mot so no car for a few days change of plans again , internet not connected for yet another two weeks so missed a really important zoom course I was a looking forward to as well as several other meetings, Elijah nearly missing his optician app because Dan was later back from his school trip … 

So by this point … late on Thursday night I can’t sleep and I’m proper stressed … my saint of a brother in law comes over and gives us an internet back up … dad comes up and helps out with lifts , and so it goes on . And yes I still feel stressed but I’m remembering the words I’ve written this week and can now see the blessings that I have seen this week … the conversations I did have , the people I have seen , the time I’ve spent playing in the garden with the boys because there was no internet , the book I’m reading because I couldn’t waste time on Netflix /tv, the extra time I’ve gained with family .

It is really helpful and comforting having plans and knowing what’s going to happen and that’s very important (especially when you have an autistic son !) but life isn’t neat and tidy and sometimes , just sometimes the curve balls contain different but sometimes positive outcomes in places we didn’t expect it . 

I’m waffling on but to those of you who have been there in this hard week hopefully you know how much I love and appreciate you … and yes I’m going to get and practise what I preach 🙈

Creativity

 I’ve been advised  to try and take some me time .. even if it’s just an hour in the week doing something not work or mummy but mindless me … Today I went for a walk with a friend .. it’s a walk we’ve done many a time and each time I’ve noticed this amazing graffiti ..

always different but very stunning !! 

Today some young men were there preparing the wall to create … we stopped and they looked anxious .. we said thank you for your work it’s beautiful … they were stunned .. thanks they replied you’re not gonna give us agro ? Well no you’re creating something beautiful in a place that’s neglected . They were amazed we had conversation about how they didn’t want to offend or cause damage or upset anyone they just wanted to share their art . 

It’s amazing how A bit of  creativity can turn somewhere derelict and overlooked into a statement or a place of beauty … it got me wondering how many people are there out there who have something to say or a voice to be heard that gets neglected or shouted down   How many people get misunderstood or ignored because of judgement and prejudice ? 

Let’s find the voices let’s search for the beauty in the unusual places this week.

Sparkle and Shine ???

I heard a radio report  the other day  that was discussing what people’s least favourite word is ...( moist was the most common out of interest!)  and then A friend told me today that their most  favourite word is “sparkle “ we often focus on the negatives rather than the positives where is the news report on the worlds nicest word ??? 

But in that conversation  it took me to this blog and I told them that I had a blog called sparkle and shine but there hadn’t been much to sparkle or shine about in the last few months ... 

and that got me thinking, which is why I’m here writing this tonight .. I’m usually a glass is half full person not half empty.. there’s always sparkle somewhere so tonight I’m finding the sparkle ... I may need some help so feel free to let me know of your sparkle moments this week.

This week I saw some gorgeous flowers , sparkle in creation called “Apparently honest “ a beautiful coloured pinky purple cluster .

Today I had coffee with a  head teacher who has Become a dear friend , his kind heart and wise words sparkled.

This afternoon after conducting a funeral , the first in a long long time , I had a meeting with a friend and colleague who reassured me when I was stressing about my unfinished talk for Sunday and reminded me of the importance Of sparkling.

And this evening I had my usual evening cuddle with not one but two beautiful resilient freshly hair cut boys who both uttered the “I love you mummy “ words ... a true sparkly moment ! 

This week I’m going to try hard to seek out the sparkle and try and bring my shine back !!!